5 Strategies to Teach Kids Delayed Gratification

Delayed gratification is an essential life skill, but it doesn’t just happen on its own. We have to be intentional about teaching it to our kids. Set yours up for future success with these tips for teaching kids delayed gratification.

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One of the most valuable skills we can teach our kids to set them up for future success is delayed gratification. Why? Delayed gratification, which is often defined as “the ability to delay an impulse for an immediate reward to receive a more favorable reward at a later time,” is an essential life skill. It empowers us to develop healthy habits, achieve important goals, build and sustain relationships, and so much more.

Delayed gratification rarely ever comes naturally to kids (or anyone), but teaching it is extra difficult in today’s instant gratification world. Kids are bombarded with the message, “If you want it, you should have it. You DESERVE it. And you should get it as soon as possible.” Plus, let’s be honest – part of the reason it’s so hard to teach our kids is because many of us struggle with it, ourselves!

I’m still in the thick of the training years with my kids, so I’m not writing this from a place of success, but rather one of partnership. I’m right there with you! From a good deal of research and almost a decade of experience, I’m going to share 5 key strategies I’ve learned for teaching kids delayed gratification.

5 Strategies to Teach Kids Delayed Gratification

1. Model it

The most important step in teaching our kids delayed gratification – one we cannot overlook or skip – is modeling it ourselves. Make sure your kids see you “delaying an impulse for an immediate reward to receive a more favorable reward at a later time.”

How do you do that? There are many ways to delay your own gratification, but some ideas include turning down a purchase in order to stick to your budget, saving money for retirement, practicing healthy eating habits, exercising when we don’t feel like it, or finishing a project instead of watching TV.

Regardless of the particulars, the important thing is to let your kids observe you making the decision. Talk it out in front of them. Let them hear you go through the process of turning down something good for something better.

2. Equip them for it

Since delayed gratification isn’t something that comes naturally to most people, we have to take the time to teach it. Before we can expect our kids to build these skills, we first have to give them the necessary tools. Here are a few tools I’ve found helpful as I work with my kids:

The muscle analogy. Teach them that patience is a muscle we have to build. Just as we have to exercise our physical muscles to get stronger, we have to “work out” our patience muscles by putting off immediate rewards. And they will get stronger as we do that!
Positive self-talk. Give them some lines to say to themselves when they’re struggling to delay an immediate reward. This can be something as simple as, “I’ll be glad I… when I’m able to…,” “The wait will be worth it,” or “My future self will thank me.”
The pause. Teach them the “trick” of waiting a certain length of time before acting on their impulse. If they still want the item after their “pause,” then they can follow through. Start with 15 minutes for young kids and work your way up, depending on the situation. (Side note: I use this ALL THE TIME for myself! It has worked wonders!)
Distraction strategies. Resisting an impulse can be hard, especially when that’s all you can think about! Teach your kids strategies for distracting themselves, such as engaging in a fun activity, having a conversation, or changing their scenery. I have some great ideas for distracting kids during times of waiting that might help!

3. Practice it

After you’ve equipped your kids with tools for developing their delayed gratification skills, the next key step is giving them lots of opportunities to practice it. (After all, it’s a muscle that needs to be built, right?) Here are a few tips:

Tell them “no” (sometimes). Don’t give in to their every request. “No” is not a 4-letter word. In fact, it’s one of the best gifts we can give our kids, as long as it’s balanced with plenty of yeses!
Have them pay for things. If there’s something your kids have their hearts set on, help them save up for it and buy it themselves. Not only will it develop their delayed gratification skills, it’ll likely end up meaning more to them than something you bought for them.
Make them wait. In low-stress situations (i.e. not when you’re in the middle of a packed restaurant), practice waiting patiently. You can even turn it into a game at home! Our kids LOVE playing “The Marshmallow Challenge.” And we love that it’s covertly teaching them a life skill without them even realizing it!
Start small and work up. When you first start a strength-training regimen, you don’t jump right into heavy weights, right? In the same way, we can’t expect our kids to wait for an hour or save their money for months right out of the gate. Build those muscles gradually by starting with small delays and working your way up to larger goals.
Give creative consequences for complaining. When they whine about waiting, use consequences creatively to build those DG muscles! Add a few minutes to their waiting time, and frame it this way: “Waiting is hard. I’m going to give you extra practice being patient by adding 5 minutes to your wait time.”

4. Coach them through it

As you give your kids opportunities to practice delayed gratification, coach them through the process, as needed. Walk them through the outcomes of their actions: “If I buy this/do this now, then later, …” Help them create a plan for the strategies they will use to delay their immediate reward. (See Step 2 for some ideas.) Encourage them as they wait, and cheer them on! In the meantime, nurture gratitude for what they ALREADY have as they wait for what they want.

Related Post: 20 Gratitude Prompts for Kids of All Ages

5. Celebrate it

The final step in helping kids develop their delayed gratification skills is to celebrate it when you see it! Be on the lookout for times they successfully delay an impulse for an immediate reward, and then praise it. Point it out to them if they don’t recognize it, themselves. Share observations such as, “I noticed you’ve been saving up for a while. I bet the progress you’re making feels pretty good!”

Those are some practical strategies I’ve picked up from books, articles, and my own parenting experience for teaching kids delayed gratification. What tips do you have to add? I’d love to hear them! Share them in the comments below.