6 Steps to Freedom From Mom Guilt

We’ve all felt the debilitating effects of mom guilt. The nasty stuff keeps us from being the peaceful, joyful, and purposeful mom we were created to be. So what’s a mom to do? Implement these 6 steps for freedom from mom guilt!

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Who among us hasn’t felt the slimy tentacles of mom guilt? The pressure of its relentless grip? The soul-sucking suffocation of its ever-tightening hold?

We pretty much all do at some point, some of us more than others. And I’m not exaggerating when I say it can become debilitating when left unchecked.

It topples our confidence and replaces it with insecurity. It steals our peace and substitutes anxiety. It drains our joy and leaves behind a fragile, frazzled shell.

For all those reasons and more, we simply cannot be the moms we were created to be when we’re operating out of mom guilt.

But the guilt monster comes knocking on all our doors. The darn thing even picks our locks and sneaks through our windows!

So what’s a mom to do?

Implement these 6 steps for freedom from mom guilt.

6 Steps to Freedom From “Mom Guilt”

Want to deal with your mommy guilt? Here are six things you need to do:

1. Separate the Guilt From the Conviction

I’m taking a big risk by starting with an #unpopularopinion: Sometimes (certainly not always, but sometimes) our “mom guilt” is actually misplaced and mishandled conviction.

In the vast majority of popular advice, we’re told to “ignore”, “let go of”, or “get over” mom guilt. The message being that it is a baseless burden we place upon ourselves.

But let’s not dismiss the guilt too quickly before we mine it for conviction.

What’s the difference? Ultimately, conviction will lead us to be better moms by seeking growth, while guilt will inhibit us by miring us in hopelessness and shame.

When you feel that twinge of mom guilt, ask yourself (and the Holy Spirit), “Is there anything in this I should listen to? Are there changes I really do need to make?”

If so, don’t get bogged down by guilt! It’s not an indication you’re a bad mom; it’s simply an opportunity for growth. Be excited! It means you’re developing as a mom.

You don’t need to make drastic changes all at once, and don’t beat yourself up if you don’t immediately get it right (spoiler alert: you won’t!).

But be honest with yourself, and make a plan for small incremental changes.

2. Determine Your Lane

That being said, our mom guilt often comes not from our own convictions but rather from something we think we “should” be doing simply because someone else is.

That’s called running in someone else’s lane. And can you imagine a race in which runners were crossing willy-nilly into each other’s lanes? That would be a crash and burn waiting to happen!

Not every activity, task, role, style, stance, and lifestyle is meant for every mom. That’s the beauty of God’s design — in creating such a wonderfully diverse humanity, He made room for a spectacularly diverse ideal for motherhood. How boring (and ineffective!) it would be if we were all the same.

So, mark your own course. What are your convictions? What is God asking you to do? Keep your eyes on your own lane and run it well.

3. Evaluate your Expectations

Our guilt can also come from our own unrealistic expectations.

We are only one person, but we expect to be able to do the work of three (or five… or ten…).

We are only human, but we expect to be perfect.

We have limited time and energy, but we expect to work as though our tank will never empty.

Friends, we need to be kinder to ourselves!

Think about your responsibilities, your dependents, your schedules, and even your physiology. Now do a little exercise with me, and look at them through the eyes of an outside, impartial observer. Would you expect the same level from someone else as you do from yourself?

If so, then maybe return to #1 and ask whether there’s something that honestly needs to change — a habit you need to make or break, a skill you need to learn, or a discipline you need to develop. Then work towards that!

But if not, then channel your inner Elsa and let it go! You are not going to be perfect, and you don’t have to be. (More on that in a minute!)

4. Set Healthy Boundaries

On the other hand, maybe the unrealistic expectations aren’t coming from yourself, but rather from other people in your life. Been there, dealt with that!

If you’re a people-pleaser (I am), it can be so, so hard to separate what you know you should do from what other people think you should do. But setting those boundaries is imperative.

If it’s your spouse, listen first with open ears to what he/she is asking of you, and, returning to #1, ask yourself, “What in his/her expectations is reasonable and justified? Is there something I honestly need to work on?”

And then communicate what you feel is beyond your reasonable limit. Hopefully, he/she will respect that, but if not, remember that ultimately, we’re working for God, not man (Colossians 3:23), and His approval is the one we should seek first and foremost.

And if the unrealistic expectations aren’t coming from your spouse, well, then shoot, your mothering is none of their business and you don’t have to answer to them!

5. Let Go of the Pride

Let’s (almost) end with another hard, honest truth — a good deal of our “mommy guilt” stems from pride. Yikes.

“How can that be so?” you ask. “I feel like a lousy mom, not a great one!”

In reality, “mommy guilt” is a sign we’ve fallen into the trap of deriving our self-worth from how we feel we’re doing (or appearing!) as a mother. The trap of placing our confidence in checking off the “good mom” boxes.

It’s a sign of an obsessive focus on ourselves and preoccupation on our own performance. Of working in our own strength, wisdom, and skills. (This reminds me of Jeremiah 9:23.)

It’s also a sign of the misplaced notion that we are solely responsible for our children’s well-being. That we have the power to make or break their futures. That if we just try hard enough, we can be a perfect parent. That it’s all up to us.

But we forget that our kids are ultimately God’s. While we are stewards of these precious and awesome gifts — a responsibility we should pursue and hold in the highest esteem — HE is in control.

Not us. God.

We need to let go of the pride in our own work and mother through God’s strength and for His glory. The greatest impact of our mothering comes not in what WE can do, but rather what GOD can do through us.

1 Peter 4:11 — If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen. [emphasis mine]

6. Rest in God’s Sufficiency

So goodness, let go of the obsessive need to evaluate yourself!

Rest in God’s grace. The grace that comes in your time of need (Hebrews 4:16). The grace that is sufficient to cover all your weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). The grace that comes to the humble (James 4:6).

Rest in God’s strength. In the comfort that He will strengthen, help, and uphold you (Isaiah 41:10).

Rest in God’s redemption. In His mercies that are new every single morning (Lamentations 3:22-23). In the complete work of the cross that makes your guilt unnecessary and obsolete (Romans 8:1). In the knowledge that nothing you do can EVER separate you from His love (Romans 8:35-39).

Did you get that? There is nothing you can do that is beyond His redemptive power!

Rest in God’s transformative work in you. In the reassurance that He will finish the work He started in you (Philippians 1:6), that He will continue to sanctify you (1 Thessalonians 5:23-24), and that He will equip you for every good work (Hebrews 13:21).

Finally, rest in the blessed relief that we don’t have to be perfect because HE is perfect. It’s not us, but Christ in us (Philippians 2:13).

I don’t know about you, but that truth frees me!