I have this picture in my head of the kind of mom I want to be. I want to be the kind of mom that’s surrounded by her children and yet never seems frazzled. The kind of mom that never raises her voice or loses her temper. The kind of mom that is always patient and loving.
I want this so badly. I made a commitment when Aidan was born to be very careful about the words I use with him. I try to stop myself when I’m about to say something I’ll regret. And I work hard to control my temper and refrain from yelling or venting my frustrations on him. This quote from Karen Ehman’s book Keep it Shut has become my mantra: “Don’t say something permanently painful just because you are temporarily ticked off.” (This is a GREAT book, by the way. Check out my review to learn more!)
Read more about My Vision for Motherhood.
But sometimes … I mess up. Even though I try so hard to restrain myself, sometimes the words come spilling out. Sometimes I yell. A few times I’ve just flat out had a temper tantrum of my own. I’m not proud of it, but it happens.
And I instantly regret it. When I see the hurt look on my son’s face, the quivering lip, the tears welling, I know immediately that I’ve messed up. And I’m filled with guilt and remorse.
Every time I lose my cool, I become so frustrated with myself. Frustrated that in spite of all my good intentions, I lacked the self-control to follow-through … again. Frustrated that I failed another “opportunity” to grow my patience. Frustrated … that I’m not perfect.
But beating myself up about it isn’t going to change anything or take back what was said. It’s good to recognize the mistake and continue to strive for kindness and patience, but guilt and self-degradation aren’t going to do me or my parenting any favors. What’s done is done. I can use my missteps as learning tools or motivation to choose differently next time, but I cannot erase the past.
So what can I do when I lose my cool if I can’t take back my words or tone?
Apologize.
If I can’t be that perfect mom that never yells, at least I can be quick to say “I’m sorry.” Those times that I can see I have wounded my son’s heart or I know that I’ve reacted badly to a situation, I am quick to come to his side, give him a hug, and say, “Mommy’s sorry, honey. I shouldn’t have done that. I love you.”
The wonderful thing about toddlers is that they are very good forgivers! Ten times out of 10 when I do that, he will wrap his little arms around my neck and smile at me. All is forgiven. In the future, I’m sure it will not be so easy to repair the damage.
I’m still committed to being careful about my words. It’s still very important to me to not let my anger cause me to say or do something hurtful. Especially as my children get older and my words become “stickier.” It’s an honorable goal, I think, because the words we say have power, power to build and power to devastate.
But I also need to realize that I am human. And I need grace. Grace from the Lord, certainly, but also grace from myself. I will make mistakes. I will not be a perfect mother, no matter how determined I am to be one. Perfection as a benchmark can only, ONLY, lead to frustration. So rather than harangue myself over a mistake, the best thing to do is say, “I’m sorry.” To try to repair the relationship, and to model for my sons the virtue of humility. This shows them that I’m not perfect, demonstrates appropriate remorseful behavior, and gives them an opportunity to practice forgiveness.
Do you ever feel like you’re just not the mom you want to be? I’m sure you do – I think we all do! But I’m also sure that you are probably a better mom than you give yourself credit for. So the next time you mess up, be quick to say, “I’m sorry,” but then give yourself some grace and move on. There’s always tomorrow! 🙂
Recommended Reading:
- Am I a Good Mom? 10 Things All “Good Moms” Do
- 6 Ways to Stay Calm When You’re About to Lose Control
- A Prayer for Every Mom
- The Sweatshirt That Made Me Feel Like a Phony
Lisa!
Brilliant post. I know I’m not the perfect mom, but that doesn’t give me permission to be lose my temper either.
I think for me I have to address my needs first and I haven’t done that in three years. I know once I do, it will show.
Great post!
Thank you Elna!
Yes, addressing my needs first helps sooooo much. I’m usually very disciplined about getting up before everyone else to get a little “me” time in before the day begins. Unfortunately, that is VERY hard to do right now with a new baby! But as soon as I can I plan to resume the practice!
Thanks for your input!
Okay, so this was me. Today. *hangs head* Thank you for letting me know I am not the only one who falls into the Yell Pit. This was a great reminder that we are all human, and it’s not the mistake, it’s the lesson.
“it’s not the mistake, it’s the lesson” — I really like that!
Several years ago I read Lysa TerKeurst’s book Unglued … I think I might want to re-read that one! Have you ever read it?
I totally get this! I have has moments where I have really shouted at one of my boys and instantly regretted it so badly!
Luckily, Children are incredibly forgiving little people.
They really are! I still try not to make it a habit, though. 🙂
We’ve all been there! While I always strive to be better, I forgive myself a lot more these days. The truth of it is that parents are people too, with limits. And sometimes kids push us to the max, and sometimes they need to realize that. That said, I do apologize when I lose my temper…
Thanks for sharing! It helps to know we’re not alone!
This is me everyday! And you’re so right that toddlers are forgiving and that tomorrow is always a new day!
So glad I’m not the only one. 🙂 We’re all in this together, right?
This is a great post. Thank you for sharing. I especially appreciate the reading resources list.
Thank you Melissa!
This is totally me also! I tend to raise my voice and instantly regret it (even if my littles are being little stinkers!)….I think it is important for them to see us follow through with the apology and us *trying* to be better…just like we would expect them to do too!! This is oh so hard though…that mommy guilt can be killer! I am currently wearing a shirt that says ‘Grace and Coffee…because adulting is hard!’ and mommying is too!! 🙂 Thank you for your timely post!! <3
That’s so funny – I have a shirt that says “I run on grace and coffee!” Ellen, I think we’re kindred spirits. 🙂
A more seasoned mom once told me that God told her, “If you were a perfect mom, they [her kids] wouldn’t need Me.” I have thought of that often as I beat myself up over my mistakes. It has been a great comfort to me!
Lisa:
Thanks a ton for sharing this post. I just had my first child last month (A boy) and I have been extra hard on myself thinking that I have to do everything right.
After reading this post I learned that becoming a mother is a learning process and that I won’t get everything right at first. 🙂
First of all, congratulations!!! Boys are so fun. 🙂
And oh my, yes – such a learning process! I’m a perfectionist, and I stress about doing everything “right,” but I’m learning how to give myself grace and comes to terms with the fact that there’s no such thing as a perfect mom! Especially as a new mom.
Don’t be too hard on yourself – you got this!
This is me all day. My son suffers from onset ADHD so he’s hyper all the time. Sometimes I lose my patience. Then I sit back and think that age what was I doing?
Right? Something that has helped me a lot is keeping in mind his age and developmental stage. If adults have troubles being patient, kind, and self-controlled, why would I expect a two-year-old to be any better? I don’t excuse the behavior – he still needs to be corrected and guided – but it does help me be more patient.
We are so hard on ourselves as moms. I hate when I yell, but I try to always apologize. I’m always amazed at how forgiving all my kids are.
Yes, we are. But it helps to know that we aren’t the only ones who lose it sometimes! It helps me, anyway!
Excellent post! I think so many of us moms experience these feelings. I too am careful with the words that I use with my son and do my best to apologize when needed. Thanks for saying what so many of us feel.
Thank you Nicole! It always helps to hear that you’re not alone. 🙂
Great post! We all have our moments. Even the youngest children appreciate and respect an apology.
Thank you Emily!